We haven’t had a major holiday since Sharon passed away, so I’ll count my birthday as the first, although Reed’s birthday did sting.
It was on my mind a LOT that day (my birthday) but I was okay until yesterday. Then it just hurt so much and felt so heavy I kinda wanted to curl up in a ball. But laying down in the middle of the day isn’t really my thing so I just cried in my car in a Jewel parking lot before returning our Red Box movies.
I’m thinking about trauma a lot lately as I process this and I’m reading Thank You for Your Service which also talks a lot about trauma. Major trauma. And they talk about this thing called habituation which is where soldiers will talk about their experiences until the experience loses it’s power over them. I could see that working. They do it in a group of people with similar stories.
I’ve learned that trauma is feeling stuck and having a lack of power and that’s how I feel. Certain things are engraved in my mind and I just keep coming back to them and it doesn’t feel good. I don’t know how to habituate this, to make it have less power. And things I thought I was getting better at, I’m not. Like staying home alone. I was home alone last night and just stood in the kitchen eating dinner, then I went out. I was so uncomfortable. But just as recently the summer I was okay. A little uneasy but I could do it and not be weird. I’m weird again. I think I was just overwhelmed. It’s dark out now, it was just my birthday and it’s hard to believe that this is reality.
Otherwise I was having a really good day. So appreciative of everything I have, my kids, Josh, our family, friends, community, health, work, opportunities and of course I still am. But sometimes that gratitude can sail me past thinking about what hurts and other times it just isn’t enough and I have to let all this pass.
I keep saying how do people do this? But hello, I am the people. And I know how they do it, just like I do. Wake up, get dressed, bawl a little on the way to work, at work or in parking lot somewhere. Try not to get a headache. Then get on with it, the living, this life, all the people and things that fill your heart. Repeat.