My therapist says I am compliant, which sounds a little prisonerish to me, but she’s right. I love to be a good patient. I figure for all the schooling and student loans someone has to go through to listen to me talk about my problems, the least I can do is check out a book, read a depression article and write a blog. This is homework.
I went to therapy to talk about Sharon and my crushing sadness. I knew it would be productive but I couldn’t see how, so I just trust the process. But what has actually been troubling me is how hard it’s become (recently) to do stuff. Stuff that wasn’t hard for me before. Like going to the gym, eating well and going to church. I just felt maxed out from doing all the regular stuff, like work and family. I told her I just don’t enjoy the things I used to.
Which is like step one on every depression med commercial ever. Totally set myself up.
Sounds silly, but this was a complete shock to me and just reading a six page article made me realize how VERY little I understand about depression and my own mental health. Now of course today, I am reading all kinds of things related to the topic, but for me, the central idea is this:
I felt that it was impossible to cope with something I couldn’t name and wasn’t educated about. Now, I was a little bummed out yesterday, because, who wants to be depressed! But knowing WHAT it is, that I am not “broken” and understanding why I don’t feel like me is actually very empowering and oddly enough I actually feel better and WANT to move towards healthy coping mechanisms. Hopefully this can be the start of that.